


Can I Get Lost In You

by starkboi



Series: Flesh and Bone [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-06 14:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15196427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkboi/pseuds/starkboi
Summary: "They might have won, but at what cost? And for how long? The burdening price of nightmares, and panic attacks, a constant looping picture of utter destruction playing behind his eyelids."(Tony is dealing with the effects on his sleep post Battle of New York, Steve makes due on his promise.)





	Can I Get Lost In You

**Author's Note:**

> this little thing has been sitting in my wip folder for months, i'm glad to finally get it out.
> 
> this is set post avengers, pre-iron man 3, heed the tags and take care of yourself.
> 
> other than that, enjoy!

Tony wants to get lost in this feeling.

In this moment, between the seconds where he is okay and where he’s not.

Right here, in this warm body cradling him, in this safe space, where he can hide away, pretend he’s not slowly being dragged down by this invisible force.

Sometimes things boil up, sizzling—popping water over the burning hot surface of his life. But right here, the constant _whoosh_ of living, breathing, it’s all hushed away. The thump of his heart, and the heart next to his, the only sound remaining.

It doesn’t matter that it won’t be this way forever, nothing ever is, it only matters that it’s _enough_ for right now. Being enough is not something he’s familiar with, not something he’d coin himself as.

Steve would disagree, he’d whisper softly, _Of course you’re enough Tony, you’re more than._

Tony’s biggest enemy always does end up being himself.

He’s fighting sleep, fighting his mind, for his life, for happiness. No one told him he might have to sacrifice some of those, if he ever wishes to have even one.

In mere seconds, just splashes of moments, he forgets he ever made it out, forgets they ever won.

_They might have won, but at what cost? And for how long?_

The burdening price of nightmares, and panic attacks, a constant looping picture of utter destruction playing behind his eyelids.

Reality and nightmare colliding.

The arms holding him tighten when he shifts slightly, the memories making his skin crawl, Steve’s probably awake, waiting for Tony to drop off. It won’t happen yet, almost every night for months he’s jerked awake, trembling and freezing.

Steve will wait patiently for Tony to acknowledge him first, doesn’t want to touch him unless he’s okay with it. Just a warm hand pressed onto Tony’s own. It’s more grounding than anything Tony has tried in years.

It’s been easier to try and stop sleeping altogether, rather than lay down at night knowing what’s to come. He can never get comfortable, never sit still, if he does his mind wanders to subjects better left alone.

Sleeping is the last thing he wants to do. And yet, Steve is there, every night with warm embraces and soft words. He makes Tony want to _try—_ want to make it through.

To pull himself out of the pitch black empty space that yearns to swallow him whole. The place where he can’t seem to catch his breath.  

Tony remembers back to waking up after thinking his clock had officially run out, after he was falling and falling with nothing to catch him, he doesn’t want to think he was happy about it, he wasn’t—but he was ready to accept it. 

He had done what had to be done, what no one else but he could do, he had accepted that burden.

After you’ve been fighting for so long, and god, has Tony been fighting for a long while now.

(It was a running joke as he was growing up, that Tony Stark came kicking and screaming into this world, and he could never quite figure out how to stop.)

So, after you’ve been fighting the good fight, and paying the consequences for as long as he has, you’re just about ready to accept death as an adequate retirement plan.

The point is, Tony accepted that he wasn’t gonna make it, and yet, he took that first breath, and he opened his eyes to Steve’s. And damn could he _breathe._

It didn’t last long, but Steve kept coming around, kept checking up on him, being so fucking earnest in that special way only Steve has. But, Tony was suspicious, sent Pepper to shoo him away with fake excuses.

It’s funny now, that Tony thought in any way, shape, or form would that keep Steve at bay.

It scared the shit out of Tony, he doesn’t know how to have conversations without sass and snide comments, words are his only defense when he’s not in the suit.

So to be in a room with his father’s trophy soldier from the war, well there was bound to be arguments.

Nasty things said, words cutting deep.

And yet, they both never left.

Tony just wanted to push and push Steve away. He didn’t want to face his feelings or the way that Steve would look at him when he thought Tony wasn’t paying attention.

Like all things in his life, they met with an explosion.

Tony off on another engineering binge, his third suit in a week and Steve fighting for Tony to take a break.

It pissed Tony off, what did Steve even care for?

They weren’t friends, barely even teammates and Tony wasn’t going to be swayed.

And then Steve just had to ask him, “ _Why do you need so many suits, Tony? What are you preparing for?”_

Tony had dropped to the floor, his knees hitting concrete with a _smack_ , heart pounding inside his chest so hard, he was convinced it was going to rip right through.

Flashes of death and carnage, their world descending into chaos as _actual_ aliens destroy everything Tony has fought to protect. He let his guard down, let all his cracks and the half ass bandage job be shown for Steve to see, and he was mortified.

Steve stood there mouth hanging open and eyes wide. Half looking like he wanted to run, half like he wanted to fight whatever invisible threat Tony’s mind was projecting.

His skin felt red hot, and he tried and failed to get the vision of death from out in front of him.

He couldn’t catch his breath, taking short gulps of air with no relief, and Steve was still standing there in front of him. And all Tony could do was scream, “ _Get out!”_

Steve held his hands up placating him, trying to exude a calm demeanor to Tony’s shivering terror.

“ _Tony_ ,” he said gently, “ _I know you want me to leave, I – I didn’t mean to trigger anything_ ,” he paused, unsure if he should continue, “ _But, I don’t think you really want to be alone right now, and I’m not accepting it. I’m going to stay here with you, because - because you don’t have to do this alone anymore Tony._ ”

And god, Tony needed to hear that, needed someone to just _fucking stick around_ , even when he was screaming the opposite, red faced and teary eyed. He didn’t make the prettiest picture but there Steve still stood, ready to deal with anything Tony needed him to.

Falling into Steve’s arms was the easiest thing Tony had done in years.

And it’s there Tony finds himself now.

Nightmares, black holes, and aliens be damned, Tony still had Steve's arms to crawl into every night, and no matter what, Steve didn’t leave.

And it’s enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm counting this a series now of sad tony fics, i'm sorry tony, but thank you for letting me project onto you.
> 
> any and all feedback is welcomed and appreciated!


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